Last week I was updating my LinkedIn, and this led to me to seeing and comparing myself to the success of a lot of my peers. This led to an uncomfortable feeling: shame. When I shared this sentiment with my friends, a lot of their natural reactions were to combat my shame for me, to tell me that I shouldn’t compare myself to others and to be satisfied with who I am. While I appreciate the sentiment and care, I don’t think this natural reaction to fend off shame—to remove it from the forefront of your mind—is the healthiest approach.
Let me be clear. Constantly comparing myself, beating myself up and berating myself in the wake of my shame is not a healthy course of action. That would be an unhealthy manifestation of the emotion. However, that is not inherent, and instead one can have a healthy relationship with their shame instead.
First, lets define what shame is. Shame is the recognition of previous fault. If you didn’t think some past action was wrong, you wouldn’t be ashamed about it. So, the negativity that is often associated with shame isn’t about the shame itself, but instead the response. A common response to shame is to beat yourself up, to be self-loathing. This is what creates the negative connotation around the word, and why people think that shame cannot coexist with self-love and acceptance.
When I felt shame looking at my LinkedIn, I didn’t berate myself or hold hatred towards my past actions. Instead, I wanted to do more; I knew I could accomplish more. While the common perception is that shame is mutually exclusive from self-love and acceptance, being ashamed forces you to accept and be comfortable with who you were in the past rather than shying away from it. Don’t get me wrong, shame can be intense and deeply uncomfortable. This shouldn’t stop us from confronting it though.
My big realization about shame is that it’s a driving force. Shame makes us recognize our faults in the past, and want to remedy those problems. It drives change. Here’s another Stoic quote that succinctly provides great insight (as they so often do).
Marcus Aurelius says:
All things are born from change.
Every good thing that has happened in your life was born of change. So don’t fear change, instead let your shame and your mistakes in the past drive you to make positive changes in your life.
Good luck, and don’t forget while you’re implementing those changes to be disciplined.
Final note: Shame can be toxic, it’s all about how you harness it. Plenty of people have deeply negative relationships with their shame. Yet, it can be a positive force. So I’m not defending that shame is inherently great or positive. It is on you to harness it in the proper way. Thanks for reading :)
Love it. Every time you feel shame is an opportunity to look within yourself and ask what you can change going forward.
stoicism is a great philosophy to subscribe to for this specific reason. we will feel emotions because we are humans, it’s up to the self to decide how it will affect our future.